I was just looking for a humorous T-shirt to buy as a Christmas present for a family member (so that’s 3 people wondering if its for them, although I might be buying myself one, so don’t get excited) when I saw T-shirts proudly proclaiming “Drone Pilot” or my least favourite “That’s Right I’m A Pilot” but underneath it has a picture of a drone! That set me off on one I’m afraid, so strap in for this one.
There are plenty of memes that get passed around taking the piss out of drone pilots amongst my friends and colleagues, most of whom are people who have to sit in the aircraft they fly and will be, potentially the first bit of meat at the bottom of the hole should the aircraft perform the infamous lawn dart manoeuvre. So I think you could say a real pilot has a bit more skin in the game than your average multi-rotor pilot who spends his days spying on people with a high definition camera on his drone.
Now I have nothing against model aircraft, yes, model aircraft: here’s the definition of a model aircraft from Wikipedia: “A model aircraft is a small unmanned aircraft or, in the case of a scale model, a replica of an existing or imaginary aircraft.” That describes a drone I think. They aren’t all small though, I had a friend who used to build huge great models, each one bigger than the last. It wasn’t until he stuck one through the side of a static caravan and broke the leg of the occupant that it came to light that his eyesight was failing and he couldn’t see small models. Anyhow I digress, although there will be more on legs in a future post, well lack of legs, you have been warned.
Now don’t get me wrong I don’t have an issue with drone pilots as such, but come on are you really a pilot? I used to fly models many years ago, in the days before drones were invented, in fact it was in the days when the first model helicopters were becoming available which were incredibly expensive and almost impossible to fly, but I never once thought that I was a pilot. For the record, I have never flown a model helicopter, the though of every crash costing £100’s rather than £10s was way out of my league, although I’m sure I was single handedly keeping a balsa wood planation in business as I did reduce quite a few models to splinters.
For balance though I have done some extensive research (at least 4 minutes) and it does in fact seem that if you control an aircraft and I guess drones are aircraft you are indeed a pilot, just not a real one! Kidding!
Or am I?
If you have read my moan about selfie taking posers (still wondering if I should make it public) starting to infiltrate the cockpits, flight deck …. oh go on then, the Flight Crew Compartment, (sigh!) I am pleased to report that this new breed of steely eyed multirotor jockeys haven’t yet realised that apparently as a modern pilot you need to put your uniform on during your days off and pose down at the gym or in front of your new expensive car whilst wearing a massive ‘pilot’ watch. There seems to be a severe lack of ‘oooh look at me’ in the drone world which I fail to understand, after all the modern drone apart from being a serious hazard to ‘real’ aviation is capable of flying completely automatically and without any skilled input from its driver (I cant bring myself to call them pilots sorry) thus leaving plenty of time for self obsession and social media profile promotion.
Talking of uniforms; throughout the literally minutes of research I carried out for this extensive and unbiased essay I noticed that the military drone operator appears to be equipped with the baby-grow flying suits that proper pilots wear. I find this somewhat confusing. Why would you need to wear a fireproof overall whilst sitting in a 40 foot air conditioned container? Refugees have been camped out in containers for days on end and I have never heard of them getting incinerated. Obviously they are good for sewing patches to so you can stand out when leaning against the bar in the officers mess on an evening. Talking of drinking in the mess, do drone pilots get to wave their hands about whilst telling flying stories?
There are more questions than answers as I go deeper into this; like if you crash your drone will the newspapers still say the pilot bravely avoided schools and hospitals, are all drone pilots just failed real pilots, where will drone pilots find a mate as there is no cabin crew at work although who would want to marry someone who spends their days playing computer games and who will the airlines have to blame for everything that goes wrong once real pilots are no longer required?
It must be a sad life for the drone pilot sat in their metal box in the middle of nowhere with no window, viewing the outside world through a TV screen. Not feeling the turbulence and buffeting of gale force winds a real pilot feels as they try to get the aircraft back on the ground after 14 hours spent cramped in a small space being dried out at altitude with one eye on the fuel gauges and the other on the snow obscuring your view as you stare through blood shot and dry eyes searching for the runway. All the time knowing full well that if you smash it down firmly you will have to listen to the passengers ‘humorous’ quips about your ability to land as they get off the aircraft in the middle of winter wearing shorts, a vest and a sombrero chuntering about how cold it is, what did they expect in January in the UK?
Actually sitting in a quiet air conditioned steel box a short walk from the staff canteen rather than an aluminium tube being supplied with tasteless airline food is starting to be a little more appealing after all!
I might just order the T-shirt and see how it fits!
Footnote: please don’t get upset if you are a model .. sorry, a drone ‘pilot’, I’m sure it is a very difficult job and you are very good at it.
After all flying isn’t difficult as such, it just hurts more when you get it wrong and I’m just jealous of you because I don’t own a drone and the RAF won’t employ me to fly theirs because I’m too old and cynical.
Update: What a difference a couple of years makes. As I write this update there are some incredibly brave men and women many of whom are crouching in muddy trenches flying drones designed for pleasure that have been repurposed to spy on or drop bombs on an army that has invaded their country. All of those fighting for their freedom have my upmost respect, not least the drone pilots. Hopefully it will be over soon and you can use your drones for fun once again.
