Just in case you get confused with some of the more technical terms I use in this essay I found this on the internet to help you: “Bell end is considered vulgar, but it’s not the worst insult you could pull out. BBC America described it as “not safe for visiting dignitaries but perfectly fine salty talk among friends”—perhaps along the lines of asshat or douchebag.”
So hopefully there are no visiting dignitaries reading this? I’ll continue.
I’m not always grumpy, in fact I spend most of my days at work laughing and it’s not always taking the piss out of others; I probably take it out of myself just as much if not more. Apparently this is known as self deprecating, I wouldn’t know 🙂
I kid because I care (that’s my excuse), although if I think you are a complete ‘Bell End’ then chances are things will be quiet in the ‘office’. Unless of course I’m quiet because I’m thinking of my next move. Thinking and planning are, apparently, a big part of the flying job; as a wise man once said: “don’t take the aircraft anywhere your brain hasn’t been before”. I’m not sure who that wise man or woman was and to be fair it doesn’t really matter, its just a very good expression! I have, in the early days arrived mentally sometime later than the aircraft at a point in space, but as they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, although I don’t think that works with polio.
I don’t have a particularly smiley face, I think its quite, well, binary; its either very smiley or bored looking, so don’t take offence if we meet and I look bored. I might be bored but I might just be about to start being very smiley, unless of course you are a Bell End in which case I won’t be listening to you anyway. I will be planning my next move, my exit strategy; my brain left a couple of minutes ago and my body will be right behind it. Life is too short.
Before we go any further, I said binary, not non-binary. When I wrote this non-binary wasn’t the thing (whatever it is) that it is now. I don’t really care what you think you are or aren’t, its none of my business so can we all calm down now?
I’m not really sure when I morphed into what I am now. I can be cynical, but I think that comes with age and experience, or perhaps I have read too many emails from management full of drivel and business speak. It’s not just management; these days in the flying world it appears that many pilots, especially the newer ones are so much in debt that they will do whatever it takes to climb the slippery pole. Its each man or woman (that’s the last time I do that, if I say man I mean both genders * and if I say women I mean men too) for themselves. The guys (men or women, doh!) are often up to their necks in debt; university loans, flying loans, latest iPhone, big BMW and they all seem to have a big expensive watch too, oh and the most expensive sunglasses that look ridiculous. Unless of course Second Officer Blogs has a wealthy family and Papa has paid for it all. My theory is that many will happily stab their peers in the back to climb that next rung, it is as they say, all about them. Entitled. Bell Ends.
Now that is a sweeping statement and there are some marvelous younger pilots out there; keen, enthusiastic, professional and above all else not up themselves. Often these chaps have had previous careers such as ex-military or worked to pay their way through university or college and struggled through pilot training both financially and maybe even just getting to grips with flying and studying to become a commercial pilot. Working alongside someone who appreciates what they have and has grafted to get into the right seat of an aircraft, has a sense of humour and people skills along with a desire to do their best and improve makes for a good day out. Even if they aren’t the best pilots, yet.
The moral of this story is don’t be a Bell End, even if you are, try not to be. Turn up for work on time, be smart and professional. Be keen to learn and if you know more than the Captain don’t tell him, unless telling him will stop him parking the aircraft in farmer Browns lower paddock or joining the skiers on the piste in the Alps then try to be tactful! Its not about scoring points, its about getting to the destination in a safe and relaxed manner and surviving to do it all over again tomorrow, or if its summer and you work for a charter company, later the same day!
On the subject of posing pilots: Well the opposite of posing pilots actually, when I first started flying corporate aircraft I had the good fortune to be guided by a chap who turned up for work with his licence, a pen (stolen from a hotel usually) and a copy of the Telegraph newspaper. His sunglasses were often missing an arm or bent and he once said the only reason he set me on was because I had a watch (he didn’t). This man is probably one of the most laid back pilots I have ever flown with.
He had decades of experience, was relaxed, had a great sense of humour and had nothing to prove to anyone. He wasn’t perfect, none of us are but his calmness had a profound effect on this late 20’s often fiery tempered lumberjack. I learnt to stay relaxed when placed under pressure by the man in the back paying my wages, to smile and say the right thing then carry on doing the safe thing. After all punching the bosses lights out would have cut my career short.
Another wise man whos name I do remember said “take all the good things from all the people you fly with and save them for later use, then forget the bad things”. We can learn from everyone we fly with even the dicks. In fact these words of wisdom were passed to me in a debrief after being away on a course for a week with a notorious instructor who bullied and beasted his students, in some cases to the point of tears.
In my case he had been pushing my switches all week until on the last flight on Friday afternoon I snapped and gave him a mouthful, so much so that he rang my boss to tell him what I had said. On my return after the course I was called into the bosses office for a talking to.
“I hear you had a ‘go’ at Terry on Friday?”
“Yes sir”
“He says you were very threatening?”
“I might have called him a twat”
The boss smiled and instead of saying empty your locker he said:
“Well done for sticking him that long, most people have quit or taken a swing at him by Wednesday!”
It was then when he gave me the speech about taking the good things and forgetting the bad. As much of a twat as Terry was his airmanship was impeccable, his flying was effortless, he was good, very good. Probably that is why he was a crap instructor, he just couldn’t see why mere mortals might struggle to do what he found so easy. I did learn a great deal from him, not least how not to instruct! Lesson learned? Don’t be a twat.
So if you are one of the selfie taking “look how good I am” pilots can you please get in touch and let me know why. Why is it OK to shove your camera in the face of a pilot who is trying to fly an approach and say “lets do a selfie”. Why do we need to see how much money you appear to have as you lean next to your new Audi or BMW in your uniform? You aren’t special just because you fly an aeroplane, I have spent time in tree harvesters that are harder to drive than some aircraft. Its not big and its not clever and if you feel the need to boast and brag about what you do for a living then you need to take a step back and see how hard the rest of the population work. I’m also curious after seeing a recent ‘Insta’ video of and FO putting clothes on brushing his ginger beard and eating dinner, why would anyone think that was interesting? Apparently 6ooo people do though because people are hitting the like button. Funnily enough I am sure he / she? is unaware of the attention they are getting from their colleagues along with the upset it is causing crew who don’t want to be on the videos.
Try ploughing a field in a straight line, get a job emptying bins in the middle of summer, follow healthcare workers and see what they have to go through to make a wage. In fact just take your head out of your arse leave your camera in your crocodile skin flight bag and concentrate on being the best you can and earn the respect of those around you by being good at the job. Every time you post another selfie on Instagram or a video on YouTube of you manfully over controlling the aircraft on an approach (which in reality those in the know realise the weather is calm because if it wasn’t you wouldn’t be landing the aircraft, the Captain would) in a vane attempt to compensate for the size of your tiny genitals, or whatever the equivalent insult is for females another unicorn dies and you look more like a twat to those in the know.
You will find the same people in all walks of life I guess. I spent a while as a tree cutter (the British term for a Lumberjack) many years ago. This is I am told is the hardest physical labour since they stopped digging coal with a pick and shovel and it certainly felt like it. It is also a very skilled job, especially if you want to make a living at it, and retire with a full set of limbs. You get paid by the tonne of timber that you fell. After a few months of trees falling the wrong way, getting ‘hung up’ in other trees and near misses I was getting the hang of it and although I wasn’t getting rich I had started to make enough to pay for my petrol, food and send a bit to the bank to help pay the rent for the home I wasn’t living in because home was a smelly old caravan in amongst the trees.
The other cutters were much better at it than me and I used to look at their stacks of timber at the road side and hope that one day I would be able to earn the same. We were felling a large area on a hillside and each evening we would meet up and survey each others patch and there would be the usual good humoured piss taking. There was one guy who was quieter than the rest of us though and as the days and weeks progressed his hole in the woods was much bigger than the rest of ours put together!
He was a quiet spoken Irish man who had non of the fancy gear the rest of us used, such as safety equipment. He would often wear fisherman’s oil skins, the bright yellow ones, his chainsaw was old, his caravan was old his car was old and come to think of it so was he! He used to put red diesel (tax free tractor fuel) in his old car and he would catch wildlife for food and smoke roll up cigarettes to save money. Yet every time I looked across to his stand of timber he would be sat against a log pile smoking a roll up. He never seemed to be busy. I used to be burning so much energy even in the depths of winter I would often just have a vest on and be sweating like an old bull. Every muscle would be aching (and I had some but never got anyone to take a picture of me posing with my chainsaw!) as I wrestled with the logs waded through the waist high brash up a 45 degree slope. Meanwhile this guy would wander past cigarette in his mouth with a dead pheasant in his hand he had just necked for his evening meal.
There is no punchline to this story, there was no magic technique he used, it was just that he had years of experience. When he felled a tree it landed exactly where he wanted it. He planned well ahead and used the slope of the ground to help him move timber around and he wasted nothing including energy. In fact when we got talking to him which was a bit of a revelation as he didn’t talk much it turned out he had been felling trees all his life. Right back to a teenager in Ireland with his brother using horses to extract timber. Sadly his brother had been killed in a pretty horrific felling accident. He never bragged though, he just got on with the job quietly earning more than the rest of us and not just in money, he earned our respect.
I never saw (no pun intended) him take a selfie (to be fair they hadn’t been invented) and I bet he doesn’t have an Instagram account, and if he does I bet its not full of pictures of him posing with his new chainsaw and huge stack of timber, he was much better than that.
*Apparently there are now more than 2 genders, or something, amazing! Every day is a school day as they say, apart from in lockdown when every day is a home school day.
